Sometimes I Just Want to Give UP

I think someone from my past must have put a curse on me.  It feels like no matter what I do, nothing gets much better.  I try to take all the advice from my teacher.  We have started djembe drumming and buffalo drumming.  I am not saying drumming does not help.  It is awesome.  It is very relaxing.  We are starting Tai Chi.  We go to group.  We try not to miss any sessions or group. 

I guess all of this is my fault because I CHOOSE not to get better.  Everyone makes it seem so easy.  Just CHOOSE to leave. Just CHOOSE this instead of that.  Fuck I hate that word.  Choose my ass.  We can’t even make a simple decision like where we want to eat, much less a life changing decision.

I just feel trapped.  I am trapped in a situation I don’t know how to get out of and it triggers things from the past.  Trapped is a trigger.  I have so many triggers it is unbelievable.

How do I get rid of the triggers?  I have worked on my abuse for so many years and yet the past still seems to control my mind.  I give up.  I feel like I am never going to know happiness or peace or contentment.  I feel like I will never be connected to anyone.  I know we are all connected.  But what does that feel like?

What does it feel like to have a soul connection to another human? 

SICK OF LIVING HERE...

I am so sick of being here. I don't know if I am sick of being alive or just sick of being in this fucked up situation I refuse to leave. I feel like I just want to run away. Everytime I do anything it is wrong. Everytime I open my mouth I am accused of trying to tell him what to do or his favorite term "supervising". I know I am not perfect. He always says I accuse him...that everything is HIS fault, that it is never ME. But, that is not the truth. I told him that was a bunch of shit. I have been in therapy for over 20 years working on all my issues--that he is the one that refuses to go into therapy and get help. I can't take this shit much longer. I feel like I could scream. THen I feel like I could curl up in the fetal position and hide in a corner some place. I just want to cry and I can't. I feel like I am going to explode. I want out of here. I just have no place to go...no job...no way of supporting myself. I have not worked in so many years. No one is going to hire me. Then I have my handicaps to deal with...life sucks and then you die. AIE

SO WHAT, WE FORGOT TO EAT...

Okay so I got all involved with making pictures and I forgot to eat.  Why is this such a big deal?  It is not the first time and it probably will not be the last.  I just like doing those pictures.  I wanted to show them to you Wednesday when we saw you but fml1 was with you.

He is coming home tonight.  Crap.  EF EF EF EF EF EF EF….

‘N/SW’, I really need to see you next week.  What I mean is I need to be ‘out’ when we are there…I feel like I am going to lose it big time.  I hate feeling so weak.  It scares me.  I get this feeling of doom like something horrible is going to happen and I won’t be able to stop it.  I thought about calling you today...but you know that is not going to happen. 

I just feel like a royal pain in the ass.  I don’t want to be this needy, clingy little brat bothering you all the time.  I know you have your own life.  But right now we don’t have much a life except for you and group.  And I don’t feel like I can call them.  I know---that is not your problem.

I was always angry with the other T.  Now, with you, I feel sad.  Is that better?  It does not feel better.  But, at least I have not done anything to hurt the body.

We all have so much to tell you and there just is not enough time for all of us to ‘come out’ in our session and talk.  Did you like the box?  You probably think it looks stupid.  But, we do work well together when we put our minds to it.  Our room is turning out to be a group project too.  I am so glad we have it.  This has to be one of the best ideas you have come up with so far.  It is starting to feel safe.  It is starting to feel like ours.  Now if we could just get a lock on the door to keep HIM out.  That is going to be a monumental task for us because we are all afraid of his anger. 

Oh well, I guess I better start locking up the filing cabinet and the trunk before he gets here. 

Thank you for all you do for us.  I never thought I would be able to connect to you after what the last T did to us.  But, I do believe we are all starting to trust you…..even fml3.  He reminds me of the way I used to be.  I pity you!!!

Dev J

Why do I have to keep on living

No one really has to read this...it is going to be nothing but negativity.  I have been suicidal since Tuesday evening.  Saw a fill in therapist Wednesday evening since 'N/SW' was out of town, AGAIN.
I guess it helped.  She was very nice and we talked for about two hours.  We made a plan to keep me alive...whoopee shit.  Yesterday I spent the entire day, 9 to 5, at 'N/SW'  office.  I worked with clay, wrote, played with the cat.  I finally decided I needed to come home.  I am a little vague about what happened after that, except for brushing the dog and then going to bed.

I have been awake since 1:15 am and I cannot go back to sleep.  I layed there until 3:30 am and I just could not take it anymore. 

I am sick of being alive.  I hate this life.  I hate being in the same room with 'H'.   I hate my mind.  I hate everything.  I am a loser.  I am nothing.  I just want to die.  No one cares about me.  Why should they?  No one ever cares about anyone.

It is nothing but bullshit.  It is ARTIFICIAL BAIT.  WE ARE ALONE.  EVERYONE IS ALONE.  NOTHING WE DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH.  NOTHING EVER HELPS FOR VERY LONG.  I FEEL EMPTY INSIDE.  I CANNOT FILL THE VOID.  ALL I CAN DO IS TRY TO ESCAPE IT. 

I GO TO SEE 'N/SW' TODAY.  SHE IS BACK FROM HER TRIP.  BUT, WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO.  SHE CAN'T HELP ME.  I HAVE TO HELP MYSELF AND I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO IT.  BESIDES, I HATE HER.

TGIF

This has been the longest week.  I am so glad it is Friday.  Freedom starts Sunday.  Yesterday was a better day.  I did a lot in our room. 

Spending the day at your office Wednesday was the cure for our anger and malaise.  It had been too long since we cried--especially since we cried from the depths of our soul.  It has such a cleansing effect; it calms the “beasts” inside. 

We have just not been able to write anything productive.  I hope it comes back, because it helped so much and gave us such a sense of accomplishment.  I guess if I cannot write I will work on our room some more.  I want to be able to draw and paint.  I need to be creative.

NO PRIVACY, NOTHING BELONGS JUST TO ME!!!

I HAVE NO IDEA...

I don't mean to be a bitch or maybe I do.  But, I just want him to STAY OUT of my room.  I was up around 5:00am and when I went into my room, he had left some of his shit papers and a bill on MY COMPUTER.  I hate him.  It ruined my whole day.  I could not write anything worth a damn.  Now I feel all this negative energy in here and I do not know how to make it go away.  Why did he leave that crap on my computer.  Oh, I know why.  He is like a fucking male dog marking his territory.  Asshole.  I have to go to your office today.  I talked to 'D' yesterday and she asked me if I was coming to 'hang out'.  I told her I probably would and now I know I AM FOR SURE.  I did not want to leave your office yesterday.  It just feels so positive and I do not feel like all the walls are closing in on me like at home.  I don't know where all this anger comes from...I feel like I am going to explode.  The problem is that my anger scares me.  I feel like I will lose control of myself...like I will go insane.  Then it turns to pain and the pain feels overwhelming and I need to make it stop.  Then, someone else will 'come out'.  This can be positive.  It just depends on who it is...it could be negative it they are feeling the pain and try to stop it by cutting.  Life is so fucked up.  I cannot deal with this.  I have to go.

'fml1'

DEPRESSION, SADNESS, FEAR, ANGER, HATE, LOVE

"N/SW"

We are so depressed.  No one has the courage to leave him in the den and come up to our room where we feel safe...where we can write or I can make pictures.  I am so sick of watching TV.  It is boring.  It makes me want to eat.  How are we going to get through the next week with him here and you gone.  I could scream.  It feels impossible.  SOMETIMES EVERYTHING FEELS IMPOSSIBLE. 

The 'cook' cooked today.  But other than that we have hardly done anything.  We got up at 5:00am and that is way too long to be up.  Maybe we should just go to bed and read.  This has become the blog for others to post their feelings because other blogs can no longer be used.  'R' is totally pissed off. 

Oh well, I guess I will go.   You won't see this anyway...I am not going to write it in our journal.  When you finally return, there is no need to overwhelm you with pages and pages of bull shit.  I know a lot of us miss you and hope you are okay. 

DEV